The Pit Of Despair — I Still Don't Know What I'm Doing

If you have been following along, you’ll remember from my last post that during the darkest moments of business and life I had an affair and cheated on my pregnant wife. That’s right, I was that horrible. Well, it doesn’t get any better for a while. As I mentioned before I am not going to go into detail about the affair because I don’t want to damage anyone else reputation but there I was. I was running a failing business, cheating on my wife and trying to somehow keep it all going.

You might wonder how on earth I could do something so terrible and I wish I had a good answer. I wish I could blame it on something or someone. I would love to blame alcohol or depression but I can’t. I will take full responsibility for my actions. I know that isn’t super popular these days but I will do it. I was in a dark place and I was looking for something to make me feel better and I chose poorly, VERY POORLY! And I knew it, I knew it on every level but for some reason, I couldn’t stop myself. And then the inner conflict that came almost killed me and almost ruined my marriage and family.

Ruth didn’t know about the affair for quite a while and I tried to live 2 lives. All that does is tear you completely apart inside. I remember one massive fight that Ruth and I had during this time that led to me storming out of the house. I honestly don’t remember all of the details because so much of my life was a fog at the time but I do remember very seriously considering suicide. The conflict inside me was ripping and tearing me apart so violently that I couldn’t see any other way of stopping it. I just wanted it to all end and without a belief in God, I didn’t have a way out. I know that many of you have thought about ending your life and, sadly, I know a few people who have and I want to reach out and say to you that you can find the peace you are looking for! YOU REALLY CAN! I have struggled with thoughts of suicide more than once and I have come dangerously close to trying it. I have been at the bottom of the well with no way out.

It was at this very low point that my youngest son was born. My horrible decisions and Ruth’s depression made this birth anticlimactic, to say the least. What should have been this amazing celebration was just another difficulty in our completely screwed up marriage. I will never be able to get that back and it is one of my biggest regrets. We trudged through life in his early months and it was honestly terrible. I was living 2 lives and neither was good. Ruth was deep in depression and it seemed like it was all lost and then, the single worst day of my life happened. And it was glorious. Not glorious like YAY!!!! But Glorious like HEY DIP S&$T, GET YOUR CRAP TOGETHER!

My affair was brought to light! Again I can’t dive into details but we were caught and everyone now knew. I do not have words inside me to describe the Thor-sized hammer blow that came down on my soul. It is impossible to accurately tell you how that felt. I would have begged for death instead but God didn’t want that for me. No, he wanted me to straighten up and now. During that excruciating moment of truth, anger, depression, and pain Ruth looked at me through tears and asked: “Are you leaving me?” Instinctively I shouted back “NO!” “Then you had better get in to see your counselor NOW!” she yelled back.

I had started seeing a counselor shortly before all of this because of my mental issues and fortunately, he was a Christian. The next day I went to see him and told him what had happened. I will never forget the words he used to describe what I had done. “Morgan, your marriage needed a remodel and you could have done it like a reasonable person and slowly picked away at it, instead you just used a flamethrower to gut it. Now you need to start over.” It was the most accurate way of describing what had happened. He then told me about Celebrate Recovery which is a Christian recovery group that uses the bible to help people turn from their bad behavior and recover their lives. I was so far from God at this point in my life that I just didn’t know what to think but I was so broken and knew I needed something. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing everything so I said “sure, I’ll give anything a try.”

The next Friday night, Ruth and I attended our first Celebrate Recovery (CR) meeting and everything began to change. I wish that I could say that at that pivotal moment everything turned around and life began getting easier but that would be a lie. Even though it was one of the most important times of my life, it was just a beginning. A very, very small change in course that would eventually lead me here. I am so excited to share with you all the next phase in my life because it is where miracles began to happen and like Jake Blues in the Blues Brothers, I SAW THE LIGHT!

Whew!!! There ya go! That sucked. I can’t believe that was me years ago but it was. It is a very real part of me and one that I can’t make disappear but maybe just maybe I can use it to touch someone’s life out there who needs to know that they aren’t the only one struggling and failing. Someone who, like me, can turn it around and start living the life that God intended. If you know someone like that, please share this with them. I have had some wonderful responses so far and I love hearing your stories. Please feel free to reach out via email at morgan@highland-cycles.com or via instant messenger too.

Have a great day and remember to be grateful. Today I am grateful for March being here, Longer Days and Food to Eat.

Last post

email subscribe