Addiction Snuck Up On Me — I Still Don't Know What I'm Doing

Hey there! If you remember from my last post, my good friend had saved the day and Highland Cycles by stepping up and helping me at the shop while my leg was in pieces and I couldn’t do anything. I was helpless really. Initially, I couldn’t drive, I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t work really and I was in a ton of pain. I had just had an affair, my wife was depressed, I had no real drive in my life except motorcycles and now I couldn’t even do that. Needless to say, I was in a dark place. I had begun my road to Christ but as you will see, it can be a very long and rough road.

Eventually, I got a little knee scooter thingy and was able to be upright at the shop and my father in law let me use his automatic truck so I could at least drive to work. It was at this point that I began to take my long way to work in the mornings. I would leave early from the house and take back roads to the shop. On this commute I would pray to God to help me, to forgive me, to heal me. Every morning I would beg God for help and every morning felt like every other morning. I am not the most patient person and I wanted to see something happen NOW! The other thing I did every morning was, take a Percocet with my coffee.

I was in so much pain every day that I was taking almost double the recommended amount of narcotics to “get through” the day. As the days went on I was working more and more on one leg and pushing harder and harder which lead to more and more pain which lead to more drugs. When I got home I would pour myself a cocktail to ease my mind and pain and have another with a pill before bed. I would drift off to sleep in a haze, paying no attention to my wife who just wanted to connect and heal our relationship. I wanted that healing too but because of the pain and my budding addiction, I was numbing myself to everything. I didn’t think any of this was wrong. I just figured that this is what you did to get through a bad injury and the doctors kept prescribing me more Percocet every visit. Everything was normal right? I would just quit taking them when my leg was better and everything would go back to normal. But as time crept on and I began to get more clearance to put weight on my leg and I started to use it more I didn’t slow down on the pills. In fact, I sped up to some degree because now I was working even harder and pushing myself even further. All the while, I was asking God for help every day and feeling like nothing was changing. Then one night, late at night help came in a way I never expected and didn’t attribute to divine intervention until much later.

I remember waking up sometime around 2 AM in a ton of pain. I was miserable. Everything hurt and I had this feeling of anxiety and restlessness that I couldn’t explain. I was honestly writhing in bed and couldn’t figure out what the heck was up. Then I realized I hadn’t taken a pain pill before bed like normal so I must just be in pain and need another. As I reached for the bottle of little white helpers it hit me like a train. My leg didn’t hurt. My leg, the reason I was taking this junk, didn’t hurt at all. All of the pain and anxiety was in the rest of my body. I had a moment of clarity and realized, “HOLY S*&T,” I am addicted to those pain pills! I couldn’t believe it, I had taken so many of the damn things and so regularly that I was addicted and experiencing detox because I had missed a dose.

I rolled over without taking one and fought my way back to sleep through the pain and anxiety of detox. The next morning I explained what had happened to Ruth and we agreed to get rid of the pills and switch me to Advil or Tylenol. I was stunned. I had judged people who were “pill seekers” and “addicts” for years. I never thought that I could succumb to something so “dumb” in my mind but there I was, addicted to narcotics without even realizing it. God had answered my prayers. He had let me numb myself down into addiction and then shown me my way out in the middle of the night while I lay in pain. He had given me a new perspective on people who struggle and on my own failings and it had taken a while. I was still a very long way from where I am now which is still a very long way from where I need to be but it was a positive, measurable step in the right direction.

Thanks everyone for reading again, it means the world to me that so many of you read this and contact me. I love hearing that this means something to any of you so please, if you like it or it speaks to you, please let me know. I am trying to spread God’s love the only way I know how. I want to spread truth and reality, not just fake perfection that is what social media is most of the time. I am always available via email at morgan@highland-cycles.com or you can send me a private message on FB or my cell phone number is 970-275-2261 if you want to actually talk.

Have a great day and remember to be grateful. Today I am grateful for my silly animals, springtime, and DIRTBIKES!!!

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