Struggling!
UGH! Don’t you hate it when you just feel like crap and there is no real reason why! I do and that’s how I feel right now. My logical brain takes a look at my situation and there is absolutely no reason to feel like this but it is a very real feeling none the less.
On the outside, everything seems great. I have the greatest wife on earth, two beautiful and healthy children, a vehicle that runs (does have a broken window though), a wonderful house, great friends that love me, a business that I truly enjoy running and working on, and on and on. But for some damn reason I am just bummed out. I can’t put my finger on why and it is driving me nuts.
One possible cause is the pain that I am dealing with in my hip and back. It isn’t excruciating and it doesn’t force me to stop doing fun things but it is pervasive and continual. It has been keeping me from exercising like I need to and I know that can cause depression for me. If I don’t move enough I get down and then that makes me less motivated to go out which spirals me further down, so that could be one cause. I for one, NEED exercise in my life to just be normal.
Another issue that I am struggling with is my relationship with Ruth. We are stronger than ever in a lot of facets of our marriage but we struggle with intimacy and honestly always have. Lots of marriages struggle with this and lots don’t, mine does and it is a source of struggle for me that causes a serious downturn in my mood from time to time. My affair impacted this in a way that we are still dealing with and probably will for the rest of our lives so I know part of it is very much my fault.
Another stress that affects my attitude is work. Yes I LOVE Highland Cycles and I LOVE dirt bikes but running a business is stressful no matter what it is you do. I can’t imagine doing anything different for work but the day to day struggle to keep all of the plates spinning and grow at the same time is painful at times and causes me depression more than I really want to admit. Never let anyone tell you that being an entrepreneur is easy always joyful!
After writing these all down and after a lot of reflection and after a wonderful message from Karl at Grace I think I have another theory. While all of those things are very much problems that need to be dealt with and fixed, I think I have been trying to take care of them all on my own. In today’s world we are constantly told to toughen up, work harder and keep our heads down. We cheer the self made men and women, we sing the praises of the people who “did it on their own,” and we aspire to fix it ourselves. While I completely believe that there is merit in hard work and we need to hammer down at times I think that we do not, and cannot do it on our own. We need something bigger than us to handle the real problems of this world. Hard work can take care of a lot but I think I am realizing that my biggest problems are out of my control and I need to rely even more on God for help. He created all that we know and I think He can probably handle my little issues.
Yes, I need a doctor to fix my hip but I need peace on the way to that fix and no person can really provide peace. Yes, I need to continue working with Ruth on our intimacy but only God can provide the forgiveness for my mistakes. Yes, I need to keep refining my business and working hard to make it good but I believe that God is who will give me the strength to continue and the ideas that will set us apart from the competition.
I still don’t feel great and I will still struggle with lots of demons and issues in my life but it is such a weight off of my little shoulders to know that I don’t have to do it alone and that my help made the galaxy!
I hope you all have a wonderful day and that it is better than mine has started. My favorite way to get out of a funk is to be grateful. So today I am grateful for the sun coming up even though I wasn’t sure it would, my amazing wife who loves me through all of my issues, and God for having my back even when I forget He is here!
