Battle
So, if you read my last blog you know that I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I was struggling with the idea of taking lithium to “fix” my problem. I am not against medicine at all but I couldn’t shake the idea that I was going to give up the amazing highs I felt so that I could get rid of the dark depression that set in every now and then. I wanted the low moments gone but I didn’t want to miss the extreme joy that I regularly felt too. I just didn’t want a filter. So after a lot of talk and crying and research, I decided that I wasn’t going to take the meds and I would go about this battle with a different plan.
My counselor, Ruth and I decided that we would eliminate my self-medication first. I would have to stop drinking alcohol to get rid of that depressant but worst of all I would have to delete coffee to remove the stimulant too? Damnit! I love coffee and I didn’t want to give up my favorite morning ritual. But, I was miserable and I needed to get things squared away, pronto. My counselor also told me that I needed to pray. I was already back at church and praying on a regular basis but he wanted me to specifically pray about this diagnosis. He wanted me to spend a few minutes every day asking God for help with this specific issue.
While I wanted to believe in God and his mighty power to do everything and anything, I was still really struggling with that idea. I had seen things I considered miracles and I had felt things that I couldn’t explain but I was battling in my mind to really truly believe. I know there are a lot of you who feel the same way and, honestly, I would worry if you didn’t at some point question the whole thing. I will get to some more of that in future posts.
So as the sun came up the next morning and I headed to work I began to pray. I begged God for help. I pleaded with Him to release me from all of this turmoil. I was desperate and I was determined! I also didn’t make a cup of coffee which is arguably just as hard as anything I have ever done. There is comfort in a cup of coffee that non coffee drinkers will never understand. As I made my way to the shop that morning, I embarked on a journey that I am still on today. A journey to peace in my mind and in my life. I have come a long way and I am now able to enjoy my coffee again but I still have a long way to go. In fact I am currently struggling with issues with my business and feeling like I am not good enough to be an entrepreneur and business owner. I am not in a great place as I write this post. I can’t explain why and I can’t just “shake it off” but now I know that it is temporary and it will pass. I also know that I just need to rely on God and not my own understanding. If you are having a hard time reading about my faith and don’t believe in God or Christianity, I would highly recommend the book “A Case For Faith” by Lee Strobel. Lee was an atheist who dedicated a ton of time trying to disprove God and Jesus and this book is the culmination of that work. If you can’t afford a copy, let me know, I will send you one! Just shoot me a message at morgan@highland-cycles.com or text me at 970-275-2261
As I mentioned above, I am not in the greatest mood today and it probably shows in my writing but I got it done and that is my goal. I hope you will stick with me as I continue this journey and try to shed light on what a REAL life looks like. If you want to get an email every time I post, please subscribe below.
Even though it is hard this morning, I am grateful for my life, my amazing wife, and my 2 boys! Have a great day and make good things happen!
